Cold number one: Jan 6th – approx last Monday but it was still a bit coughy/phlegmy.
Cold number two: overlapped seamlessly with cold number one. So a total of 24 whingetastic days of self-pity.
To recreate with materials from your local hardware store:
- a plug of silicon sealant, placed up each nostril, with tendrils hanging down so as to be just visible.
- strap a mature feline to your chest to restrict breathing (some hardware stores may not have mature felines, a small bag of compost will do instead)
- sandpaper the skin of your nose and upper lip until red
- swarfega or gloopy unbranded cleanser/abrasive of choice should be pumped into your lungs to approximately 15% capacity
- assume the demeanour of the most miserable member of staff, then multiply it by 100.
Recommended accessories: snotty tissues (can use just any old tissues from a handtowel bin), cold remedy pills, cold remedy potions, Fishermen’s Friends, vaseline, hand sanitiser (to convince your new colleagues that really you aren’t trying to snot them to death), hot drink, long sad sighs about how you used to be a runner and a human.